My Story

“Suck it up, be a man”

As far back as I can remember, I always felt in control, capable and well, manly whatever that means. Very rarely did I share inner feelings especially those that could potentially compromise the stereotypical image of a man. It worked, for a while.

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My earliest memory of symptoms related to mental health surround the death of friends and family. There was a lot of it over a short period of time. From loosing a workmate to suicide, to witnessing a dear friend battle Cancer and then succumbing to Leukemia to the loss of four family members within a two year period. The personal and shared grief was agonizing and seemed never ending. As time passed, I realized I was concealing my emotions about these truly traumatic experiences. Several unusual symptoms began to manifest and intensify. These symptoms transferred into the workplace where my drive and productivity vanished. This eventually cost me my job because I was unable to function as I once did. Then came a trigger event of watching my father’s health decline and eventually pass away in less than 30 days - a truly crushing blow. During the last two weeks of his life, I lost 15lbs was ravaged by uncontrollable moods, dark thoughts, and receded into a mental abyss.

 

The cycle of grief was enormous
It brought on a myriad of signs and symptoms that strangely, did not feel unfamiliar. The grief was deeply rooted, continued unabated and changed me as a person, son, husband, father and brother. I did terrible things. I verbally abused, berated, ignored and removed myself from those I loved the most. Roughly one year after my dad passed, once again, it cost me the one career I truly enjoyed. My days were filled with grief, despair, dysfunction and loneliness as the challenges mounted.

Complete denial, shame and defeat
At times, burying these overwhelming and unbearable emotions led to uncharacteristic physical actions and unprofessional confrontations. I kept excusing myself and justifying my behavior without hesitation. I failed to identify and take ownership of the bigger issue at hand. I was in complete denial. Over time, I began to take stock of these familiar feelings and connected my experiences of past incidences with my present knowledge mental health specifically, stress disorders, depression and anxiety. As I learned more about these conditions, and started to link them with my own single and compounded traumatic incidents, I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and defeat. Still, years past and it was only after a truly terrible scenario unfolded towards my children and wife that I had the resolution to finally bury my shame and seek professional help. I realized that shame, and the pressure to live up to the stereotype of what a man should be, was holding me back from a healthy mind. For decades, I had been living a lie, believing that a man must be tough and mercilessly bury those trivial, petty feelings and annihilate the challenges associated with mental health. For most of my life I was oblivious to, and completely dismissed anything to do with the notion of mental health. I feared judgement, ridicule and embarrassment.

Mental health, is health
This was the most powerful message I had heard in a lifetime. Most men tend to dismiss or ignore talk about mental challenges instead of confronting them or discussing them face to face. Because we are men, we have a greater challenge to overcome, the macho stereotype and the suck it up mentality. Thankfully for me, the one constant throughout all these challenges was not drugs or alcohol, but riding. The one aspect that seemed to make it all go away was riding. Finding myself riding my motorcycle, sometimes aimlessly for hours, and in some cases days, felt like the only remedy. Why was I feeling this incredible sense of inner peace and absolute freedom? Was I alone? Do others feel this connection? I began to explore if there were studies on such a topic and behold, there was.

“For decades, I had been living a lie, believing that a man must be tough and mercilessly bury those trivial, petty feelings and annihilate the challenges associated with mental health.”